16 going on 15 days

And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king
We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good
You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin
I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king
Let now your church shine as the bride
That you saw in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

I listened to this song over and over and over again in Thailand. I almost smell the curry everytime I listen to it here in the states. I sang this song to Jesus standing on the beach of the indian ocean, just loving His presence and holy spirit. I felt the call to something extrodinary. I remember disctintly the feeling of the waves crashing first at my ankles and then at my knees as the tide rose, and thinking, this is like the kingdom of God, the tide rising. There is only more to come, greater things to come, the tide will only rise. GOd has such a way of making beautiful promices, and as I listen to this song again, on my way home from Matt's, with my best friend (Sarah) in the drivers seat, I couldnt help but stick my hands out the window and thank God for all hes doing in my life, where he is taking me and who he is making me to be. This is something worth giving up everything for. In a bible study with Jill, one of the leaders at Alive, she made the point that love costs everything, and this love that Ive found in Jesus, its costing me everything, and its totally worth it.

As we drive home, we pass the airport. In less that 16 days I will be back there, only taking a different exit off the free way and heading into it, instead of around it. I almost want to just take the buss to the airport, just so i feel the gravity of what Im about to do, and so its just me and Jesus. (my mom might be cool with me going to uganda on my own but i can see her throwing a fit if i tell her im giong to the airport by myself, like the time i wanted to take a bus to get to canton...she flipped out and i was like, uh, im going to a third world country and your worried about me getting on a buss coming from detroit? so i cant see this whole me going to the airport by myself thing happening...ill give her that) Anyway, I got butterflies just thinking of getting on that plane, really doing it. I cant even comprehend that its so soon. I almost started crying just thinking about hugging the suubi women and holding the kids hands and listening to thier stories. Just listening, goodness I need to learn how to do that, i talk so much. Im not expecting to revolutionize a whole country, I dont even expect to really be a catalst to major change, I just want to love, and show love and be loved, and thats the Gospel, thats the Kingdom of God, a love revolution that starts quiet and echos in eternity (wow that was clever, i probably read that somewhere and forgot where, shane claiborn probably wrote that and im remembering it hah im not that creative)

Goodness.

On thursday I take Sarah back to Chicago for school at Trinity. Im going to miss her so much. Never have I connected with another person the way I have connected with Sarah, we dont even have to talk most of the time, and just being with her, i know shes on my side, she loves me, and shes proud of me (and shes jellous that shes not coming with ahah!) it means so much! Oh man, Im going to be a wreck. When I get back from that I will have 12 days before I leave.

Last night Rissa and Eric had a bonfire. I was so excited to be able to spend time with Rissa before I left, I was her maid of honor in her wedding and I havent really gotten to connect with her since the wedding. Eric made a genious point and said that when a group of christians comes together to just hang out, we should still make God the center of the night. He said he gets frusterated when christians hang out together and God isnt thanked or even mentioned once, and i totally agree. We all talked about what GOd was doning in our lives and shared prayer requests, mine being Uganda. As the group prayed for me I relised that God has been preparing me for this trip my whole life. Since I was a wee lass, I always drempt of going on adventures in Africa and Asia and Pluto, while most little girls drempt of thier wedding days. Im so excited to be bringing and revealing beauty in places that seem so bare, and unfruitful. I feel like this is the most feminine thing I could do, I mean, isnt that what we as women want? To BE beautiful and DO beautiful things? I feel so beautiful.

Before the bonfire lastnight metro joined alive. It was also the first time I would see Ian and his new "friend" together in the same room. I knew it would be tough but thats part of being a woman too, we have to be tough hah. At one point durring the service I looked back to see him sitting with her, and her looking at him smiling. Part of me was so hurt, but I turned back around and stared directly down into the bible open in my lap and read:

Proverbs 4:20-27

20 My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.

21 Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart;

22 for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body.

23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

24 Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips

25 Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you

26 Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.

27 Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

I realise that looking back on what was, its not going to do me any good. God has such beautiful promices to give me a hope and a future and thats all I have to look forward to. What God has infront of me. The tide is only rising from here on out.

shout outs:

Matt: thanks for reading this haha.

Tiffany Tosh: thanks for reading this haha and letting me take some of your journals.

Mom: thanks for emailing everyone to read this, now i feel like it has to be legit.