Let the Bones You Have Crushed Rejoice (14 days)

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem. Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

--------------------------------------------------------------psalms 51-----------------------

I know i keep going on and on about this, and for those of you who dont really know me or are just reading this from the light gives heat website link, i appologise for the rambling and what seems to be foolishness, but i feel like GOd will be glorified in me sharing this with all of you, because I know the He is a God who heals and saves and restores, and I know that while I am in Uganda God is going to do such a work in my life, simply because now I have a spirit that is so willing and desperate for what He wants for me and my life.
SO:

Today I talked to Ian for the first time since sunday. I asked him if he has been doing well and he said yes ect, I asked if he had been sleeping well, (that kid never sleeps) and he said no, so I asked why, he replies with:

"I dont really want to tell you this but me and ashley have been hanging out talking really late into the night, probably a little too much."

I was silent. The tears started to fall and I couldnt speak, the usual, right? For some reason this hurt so much more than when he told me he kissed her. I know that we arent together, I broke up with him ect, but this is still so painful, esspecially that he has moved on so quickly. All I ever wanted out of the relationship I had with him was God filled communication, a spiritual connection held together by the grace and pressence of the holy spirit. He would never talk to me. Im sure you could understand why Im so hurt. Putting all of this aside, i realised and remembered, GOd called me to do this, that this is from him. To stay with Ian would be to grieve the very spirit inside of me that keeps me breathing (Job 33:4). That this pain, it is from GOd, and it's nessisary. So many people are always using pain as an excuse to push God away, Why would GOd let this happen? Right? Well, I am SO THANKFUL that God has given me the revelation to understand that this pain is from Him, and nothing that comes from him isnt good.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
---------------------------------------------------------Hebrews 12:11------------------------

I know that this will be worth it in the end, my faith and sacrifice was not in vain, but a love offering to the only One worthy of my love. I mean think about it, GOd made us to be in relationship with Him before anything else. God made Eve from Adam, and since the fall put a passion for Adam in her heart, but before that, HE BREATHED LIFE INTO HER. He is what made her come alive, He is what gave her worth, he determined her beauty (by making her the last of all creation hah, the world wasnt right with out us ladies! hah) and He created her to LOVE HIM, just like GOd created Adam to LOVE HIM. For so long I was letting Ian determine my beauty and worth, In my head I told myself that GOd did, but in my heart, I let Ian. I realise now that when I got to Uganda, I am going to be seeing authentic beauty, God given worth and beauty that lies in the heart and radiates out, I wouldnt have been able to learn and be transformed by the beauty that these women have, that Im going to see, If I was still letting my relationship and dependance on someone else determine it. When I look at it that way I am so thankful, so so thankful for all this pain.

When I look at all this pain as a way for God to be glorified, everything changes. Its obvious that Im hurting and that all this is having a toll on me, but I KNOW that my heart will be healed:

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Psalms 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I KNOW that He has an awsome plan for me and that If i simply submit to his leadership, my life will glorify Him, wich is what I want most:

Jerimiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you," declares the LORD.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So to be honest, this is all I need. This word, these promices, this is all I need. My Dearest Shilow, my sister in the Lord, she told me yesterday, you're ready. I am ready. I am totally ready to take this on, to lavish the love that God has given me on these women and children, who ever! I am so ready to live outwardly, and express GOds love and compassion in a reckless and dangerous way. I pray that I would be dangerous, live dangerously in the persuit of Love. Love Love Love. Thats what this is all about. LOVE.

Ephesisans 5:2
Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

This is really how I want to live, extravagently. With Ian I always felt like I was loving him too much, giving too much, but I realise now, that that outragous love for someone else, its from GOd, and I want to love EVERYONE like that.

And I realise that this is going to be an everyday thing, an everyday decision to LOVE people and LOVE God by submitting to his plans for my life.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


So through all this I truley thank GOd for breaking me down and giving me this pain, this heartache. Thank you thank you thank you Jesus. I cant wait to come and serve your people in Uganda..