29 Days

I have yet to get my shots.
I should get on that....
So this month has been THE most intence month of my life thus far. Recent messy messy brakeup with Ian (still licking my wounds) moving out of the appartment into Saras, working, suubi shows ect.
This whole thing with Ian has really been getting to me. Im coming to the conclusion that perhaps we wont really ever be friends again. Im not sure if its possible, after giving everything of yourself to another person, being in such a deep friendship, having so much of eachothers lives intertwined, im just not sure if its possible. I know that this is what both of us needed, I need to focus on Jesus, esspecially before I leave (in 29 days) and he needs to focus on Jesus too. I know that this is good right now, even though its most definitly the hardest thing ive ever been through.
Im trying to look at it like this though:
I feel like Ian died, really. I mean, hear me out, I know he didnt, but the relationship that we had, its gone. It will never be the same again (unless God tells us otherwise) I will never have the same intimate frienship with Ian ever again, and it totally breaks my heart. I feel like hes gone. These women that Im working with (in 29 days) they are all widows. They have all felt the loss im feeling right now, only worse, Im sure. I dont think I would be able to relate to them on the level that I know I will now, unless this happened with me and Ian. I feel thier pain, of having and then not. One minute things are one way, the next, they are not. One minute he is there to love me, the next, everything has changed. It feels so unfair, and wrong, and horrible. But to be honest, LOVE, its not just something between a boy and a girl or whatever, and I know you all know that. When I think about loving GOd, loving Jesus, Id much rather lavish my love on Him. Id much rather lavish my love on someone who loves me back with a passion that is unmatched untamable and redeeming. I want to love people like that too.
Oh man.
God has been wrestling with me through just about everything, challanging me down to the smallest things, down to how i look at myself in the mirror and what i do when i get out of bed in the morning. I know he is going to change me and im so excited to see what he has in store for me.
Dave mentioned to me working for light gives heat out in colorado. It really looks like GOd is opening doors and lining things up for me to start doing what He wants me to do. Dont get me wrong, It would be nice to go to collage and be sure of myself and be able to make a future for myself, but for me, right now, I know so well that my future really is in GOds hands, because frankly, IM REALLY NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE, other than what hes put infront of me, and thats Suubi.

Please pray for me.
Pray for my heart, to heal, through this whole thing with Ian.
Pray for me to be corageous, not affraid of anything.
Pray for me to be moldable, and humble, willing to learn.
Mostly Pray for me to expirience LOVE the way GOd wants us ALL to expirience.

I know these blogs arent that exciting yet but I dunno, just thought i would update everyone on how im doing.
Thank you so much for caring!