Lesson Learned

I was made to be a lover, a lover of beauty, and people, which in my opinion, are one in the same, but ultimately, a lover of God. This seems to be a trinity of sorts for me, each intimately intertwined with the other, when broken down to the basics of each. Beauty is of God, people are beautiful, people are made in Gods image, love people, and you are loving God. I find it easy to love people on the surface, I have no trouble showing my love through service, or gifts, encouragement or which ever avenue i think will speak the loudest to the one i am trying to communicate with. I have no trouble reveling in beautiful things, the sound of tall grass blowing in the wind, or running my fingers over stones smooth and cold, a bow against the strings, or the electric connection of a kiss. I have no trouble with the idea of loving God, but when it comes down to it , what I was created to do, love, love God, requires more than all of me, a constant out pouring of myself, perpetual self denial and death, with out expecting anything in return. Christ. When it comes down to really loving people, to put it simply, I'm really bad at it. When I try to muster beauty from with in myself, I produce a mere sad imitation of what real beauty is.
I have always struggled with a sense of entitlement, and a mind set of self preservation, (which is such a contrast to what the Spirit evokes in me, the Spirit tells me to pour out, my flesh tells me to hoard) but who am I to dam the flood gates of Gods love, and grace for His people when I was made to be the conduit. Who am I to try and "guard my heart" against the pain, the severity of authentic love, love that asks for nothing in return and pours itself out like a drink offering. Thats what I was made for, that is Christ in me, this is my burden and my cross. I would like to say that I bear it willingly, but when Im honest with myself, I don't.
I find that I often rebel the most against the call or mission God has for my life, my purpose because I am too afraid of the reality that it is not of myself and that I, in the end, will get no recognition for it. (But at the same time I have so much joy at the thought of glorifying God in my love for others and being transparent in that...) I struggle with the idea that there is nothing I can do to earn salvation, there has to be some sort of transaction, everything I've ever had I've had to work my ass off for. I selfishly give my poor imitation of love to God and to people in hopes of getting some sort of recognition or safety, love in return. Love keeps going even when it gets screwed over, again and again and again. It doesn't make sense. Grass grows everywhere, it endures.
This contrast of the finite and eternal, who and what I was made to be and do, who I truly am, and who I have made myself to be is so drastic. I long for the day when I extend love freely and seek nothing in return but the sound of my fathers voice singing over me. I want to love God through loving people, because thats what he's called me to do, in what ever way possible, no matter what, in every situation, try to love, really love, people. That requires vulnerability. That requires trust, that is the opposite of my humanity, my tendency towards self preservation and protection, but really, its not that I need to trust people necessarily, but ultimately, God. Trust that even though I feel like I am constantly pouring myself out, constantly exposing my soul, constantly trying to give, to connect, to love and I see no fruits, no gratification, no reciprocation, my labor in not in vain. Eternal success can not be gauged with our finite eyes.
When we get screwed over by people that we are bending over backwards for, our efforts are not nul and void just because they are taken advantage of. Working (well, more like observing the work of those involved with Light Gives heat ) in Uganda and in youth ministry, has taught me this, despite what seems like a lack of "success" , or "progress" in those you are trying to love, the out pouring of love is what matters, the consistent out pouring of the fruits of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self control; forgiveness, mercy, grace, endurance is what brings glory to God, and thats what I want for my life. There is a quote from one of my favorite books, which I don't have with me and Im going to try my best to explain but probably wont do it justice, about art, about an image, lets say a painting of Jesus on wood. We see the image of Jesus, we see that the paint and the wood make up the image but we ascribe nothing to the paint and the wood itself, all we see is the image as a whole, we say it is beautiful. Love is like that.
The toil of loving people is the paint, the pain in loving people is the wood, but in the end its not about either, its about the image as a whole that is conveyed, in the end all that matters is that love is conveyed. This thought brings me back to my earlier image of the trinity of people beauty and God. They are one in the same, I boldly say that you cant love one with out loving the others. This inspires me, and is what spurs me on to endure, to love boldly and painfully, its really got nothing to do with me anyway. When I look at like this, I can exhale and inhale and be free, because this is what I was made for and I am fulfilled.